With 50/50 foresight, would the decisions one makes in life change? Albert Einstein once questioned his role as a physicist with the release of atomic power stating “If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.” Would you be a different person if you zigged instead of zagged? Would you do anything differently? Such as, what if I never moved to Los Angeles? What if I never met my husband and got married? And what if I had chosen not to become a parent? Identity is a tightly tangled web, gleaned from and forever tied to the choices we make.
Becoming a mother was an easy decision but one that would have far greater ramifications then I expected. I had waited a long time for this monumental moment to happen. Actually, I had given up hope that it ever would, due in part to life choices, karmic destiny, and age. So, at age 41, imagine my surprise to find out that I was six months pregnant! In my pre-mom persona my identity was an eclectic mix of “Art Dawg”, “Riot Girl”, and “Counter Culture Cool.” All were chosen for me by me and I worked hard at living up to the guises I had created. Choosing to become a parent took me from “Hollywood Hip” to an identity that wasn’t just foreign; it wasn’t even on my map. So, the seven years I spent working, in the movie industry, with 12 to 14 hour days, and a huge part of who I was, was now unimaginable.
Tha Alkaholiks’ “All Night” music video shoot was exactly that, all night. The location was two hours north of Los Angeles at the Playboy Ranch in the Ventura Mountains. It was the end of June and I for one was glad to be out of the L.A. heat and smog. The set was a 1940’s shimmy shack set deep in the woods near a lake. There was very little exterior prep work to be done with the exception of a boat with a dummy in it. We, the art department, all two of us, had been on location most of the afternoon along with some of the production team, well before call time for the rest. Principal photography was set to begin at 11 p.m. with the crews arriving at 8 p.m. The band arrived by 9 p.m. and everything was running smoothly until around 3 a.m. when catastrophe struck. The “Bug Wrangler” lost a couple dozen cockroaches as he was placing them on Ice-T’s jacket. Once more bugs were anaesthetized and in place the scene was set and the camera was ready to roll, again. By 4 a.m. the dancers were cut loose and by 6 a.m. we were wrapped. Teardown took about two hours; with the exception of the dummy which was now at the bottom of the lake. By 8 a.m. the UPM (Unit Production Manager) Bob and I were on our way back to Hollywood.
Some choices, even when made for all the right reasons can turn out wrong… When I married my, now estranged, husband we had not been in any formal relationship. We had known each other for over ten years and for the last two of them we were friends with benefits. I knew his family, I knew all his old girlfriends, and I knew his past and the demons he had dealt with and conquered. I thought I knew him well. We got along famously and were the best of friends but not being in a formal relationship left me unaware, unprepared, and blindsided by the changes that would quickly surface. We lived with all the trappings of a conventional, stable family environment; the house, the cars, the toys, and the proper Santa Monica address that commanded respect. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. My husband’s temperament took a shift for the worst with this perception “of having it all.” Independent thought flew out the window so; bad choices along with clouded judgment and his desire to please his “friends” left me and my daughter vulnerable.
The biggest parasite was Woody. He made the heroin addict and his pill popping girlfriend seem agreeable. He managed to weasel his way into my husband’s closest circle of friends and unbeknownst to me my husband allowed him and his young girlfriend to move into our guest bedroom. Once again I had another Venice Beach scum living under my roof. One morning I awoke at my usual 5 a.m. in order to be to work by 7 a.m. to find Woody and two unknown thugs in my living room. They were in the middle of hatching some big plan to take over the “operation” that was my house!?! Saying nothing I got ready for work and when I arrived back home I packed some belongings and took myself and my daughter to stay at a friends.
Two days went by and nothing happened. My husband swore that he would take care of everything and that Woody and company would be out of the house. The only thing he accomplished was staying out all night partying while my home remained open to anyone and everyone. Not willing to impose upon my friend any further and the lack of headway being made in absence, I went back home and cleaned house, literally. By this time everything had gone from bad to worse. My own ability to think clearly was being torn apart by the lies, deceit, and highly questionable activity. Plausible deniability was no longer plausible. It appeared that I had already lost my husband, so in order to cripple the impending assault and the overtaking of everything else I had worked so hard to build I purposely and knowingly force fed the downward spiral. By the end of summer 2006 the house, the cars, everything, myself and my daughter included, were all gone.
The only nagging question I have now is – How will my choices affect my daughter’s perception of herself as she grows up? My heart breaks when ever she climbs into my lap and tells me how much she misses her daddy. They had a short time together but it was long enough to make a strong bond. He took her every where. Their favorite place was Home Depot. They went there almost every night, even if it was to buy only one box of nails, which could have been purchased anywhere at any time. They would eat at the McDonalds located in the store and she would always come home with yet another “Happy Meal” toy. Every time he showed up their without her the sales staff would question her absence. And now he is the one who is absent and she is keenly aware of that absence. After all he was a playmate, her hero, her original prince charming, and her first heart break. All she knows right now is that he is still in Los Angeles working, but it doesn’t ease the pain she feels. Just recently we were giving thanks at dinner when she said “I’m thankful for mommy and dad…” she stopped herself, paused, and looked around, with tears wailing up in her eyes, she softly said “Oh ya, I’m thankful for mommy and nana…”
Choosing to leave a bad situation to take care of my daughter was the logical choice and being a Mother made the move back to Idaho a necessity and so overnight I once again changed my identity. Now I’m “Single Mom” with a daughter to rear and it’s the most important role of my life and an option, even with 50/50 hindsight, I would never change. Besides, I hate “What ifs” and I don’t believe in regrets, so every choice, ziggy or zaggy that I have made is key to who I am. And, after all, aren’t we glad Einstein didn’t become a watchmaker?
